MACCARRICK BROTHERS TRILOGY BY KRESLEY COLE (IF YOU DARE, IF YOU DESIRE, IF YOU DECEIVE): THE HISTORICAL ROMANCE, 21st CENTURY VERSION

RATING GUIDE:

 

6 – Life-Affirming and Life-Changing!

5 – A keeper!   

4 – Very good

3 –  Passable

2 –  I’d rather read a telephone book

1 – An absolute bomb.  Read at your own risk!

0 – Nothing will compensate for what I lost reading this book 

 

The only exposure I’ve had to reading historical romances has been by way of a few Dame Barbara Cartland’s novels, where absolutely nothing steamy goes on between the characters other than a chaste kiss that occurs at the END of the story.  Although I did come across a Barbara Cartland novel that tried to keep up in step with the times (this was a novel in the seventies, if I remember right), I remember feeling absolutely scandalized when the hero grabbed the heroine’s boob at the end.  Not that I have anything against sexy scenes in books.  It’s just that it felt a little “off” to have Dame Barbara combine old-fashioned romance with a little boob-grabbing.  Now, Kresley Cole attempts to update the historical romance for the 21^st century with her MacCarrick Brothers trilogy (“If You Dare,” “If You Desire” and “If You Deceive”) by combining it with … what else?  A lot of hot sex.  Is it possible to combine the old and the new without turning readers off?  Let’s find out.

The MacCarrick Brothers trilogy is the story of three Scottish brothers --- Court, Hugh and Ethan --- who appear to be doomed to remain forever single and childless, no thanks to a family curse.  None of them can marry, unless they want their wives to … well, drop dead.  So, the brothers try to steer clear of serious relationships until they meet “the one”. 

Like I said, the only exposure I’ve had to historical romances comes from reading Barbara Cartland’s novels.  And I have no idea what a Scottish man (hunk?) from a few centuries ago might act/sound (is he anything like The Highlander from the movies?).  So I’m not sure whether Kresley Cole’s MacCarrick hunks are credible at all.  As for Cole’s heroines, well, they do seem like feistier (and sometimes, more annoying) versions of some of Barbara Cartland’s heroines.  I suppose the difference between Cartland and Crosley’s novels lies in the abundance of sex.

I suppose the concept of No Sex Before Marriage is practically dead in the 21^st century, which explains why the heroes and heroines of Cole’s novels have to get it on, even when they supposedly live in more conservative times (Fine.  If you really must have those in the book …).  Thankfully, Cole’s sex scenes are steamy without being gross and (obviously?) gratuitous. 

While I do appreciate Crosley’s more modern, lustier take on the historical romance, I am still a hopeless, old school romantic at heart.  I don’t need sex scenes to make me swoon over a story, just a brooding, handsome, angst-ridden hunk who can make the heroine’s knees buckle with one simple kiss.  Give me a Cartland novel anytime. 

RATING:  4

JODI ELLEN MALPAS’ “THIS MAN TRILOGY”: THE YOLANDA/HAIYAN OF BAD BOOKS

RATING GUIDE:

 

5 – A keeper!   

4 – Very good

3 –  Passable

2 –  I’d rather read a telephone book

1 – An absolute bomb.  Read at your own risk!

0 – Nothing will compensate for what I lost reading this book 

 

Just when you think that “Fifty Shades of Gray” is the worst book you’ve ever read, here comes Jodi Ellen Malpas’ “This Man” trilogy, this horrible, horrible book that is a plague on one’s brain, body and soul.  If this were a natural disaster, this trilogy would be the equivalent of Yolanda/Haiyan, a disaster of epic proportions!

This total waste of money, time and energy (you can pay me all the money in the world and it still would not compensate for that part of my life that was wasted on this crap) is the story of Ava, a twenty-something interior designer who gets chosen to work on a posh place called The Manor.  Ava wonders why she even got chosen for the project, since designing for posh places isn’t really her specialty … but then she stops caring when she meets who her client is.  Her client’s name is Jesse Ward, a man who’s so gorgeous she likens him to God, a man so sexy that his voice is enough to make her wet and orgasmic.  Soon, Ava finds herself doing something else other than decorating … instead, she finds herself doing Jesse over and over and over …

But Ava has just broken up with her boyfriend, and a serious relationship is the farthest thing from her mind.  Yet, she can’t get enough of Jesse --- the sex is sooooo good and in abundance … even if all signs point to him being a controlling, domineering bastard.

Now as a rule, I don’t like bashing any author’s work.  Most of the time, I find something good in any book and very rarely do I come out and say something negative.  However, I can’t lie about what I feel about this book.  I hate it.

At first, I thought this was going to be the British version of “Fifty Shades of Gray” (as if that wasn’t bad enough)… I was wrong.  Despite its attempts (planned or otherwise) to copy elements of E.L. James’ trilogy, unfortunately, “This Man” didn’t even make it to “second rate, trying hard copycat” status.  I can’t believe I’m saying this, but “Fifty Shades of Gray” seems like that erotica classic “Delta of Venus” compared to this. 

Though Malpas’ Ava is supposedly in her twenties, and earning her own keep, she seems very immature at times (not to mention bigoted --- just read her reaction to John, one of the characters in the book).  For one, I can’t imagine anyone in her twenties jeopardizing her reputation at work and risking another heartbreak simply because of a guy who looks like God --- take note, not even a god … but God with a capital “G”!  And a Lord (with a capital “L”!) and a penis that can puncture any woman’s womb (yes, ladies, he’s that BIG and LONG).  To have unprotected sex with a man you know very little about, who uses his money and power to keep you at his beck and call at all times, who tells you to watch your mouth all the time, and uses sex to punish you or get his way … if Ava is a representative of today’s generation of young women, then I’ll be very afraid for the future of this world. 

As for Jesse Ward, don’t be fooled by his looks and his sexual prowess.  Don’t be fooled by his tortured past.  He is a monster.  Run for the hills!

Malpas’ writing isn’t that hot, either.  My English isn’t perfect, and yet I spotted quite a number of errors.  The characters have no depth (even if there is obviously an attempt to make them more than cardboard characters), it’s very difficult to empathize with them and they’re very unlikable.  As for the story … there is no story.

As for the sex scenes, which supposedly form the meat of this trilogy … if you’re looking for smutty material, there’s an abundance of that here.  But if you were to ask me if they’re hot and exciting … sorry, but I found the sex scenes repetitive and boring.  Same venue, same style (I wonder if the author just cut and pasted the sexy bits all throughout the book), very, very mechanical.  If you’re looking for happy erotica, maybe you’re better off with “Fifty Shades”.

I’m sorry, but this book was so bad in my view that I had to create a new level of low just for it.  I hope the publishers would be more discriminating in the kind of books they offer their readers in the future.  Just because it’s all sex doesn’t mean it’s all good.

RATING:  0

THE FILIPINO TRANSLATION OF “FIFTY SHADES OF GRAY”: SURPRISE! THE TRANSLATION IS ACTUALLY BETTER THAN THE BOOK!

RATING GUIDE:

                       

5 – A keeper!   

4 – Very good

3 –  Passable

2 –  I’d rather read a telephone book

1 – An absolute bomb.  Read at your own risk!

Last year, a Philippine publishing house, Precious Pages Corporation, published its first-ever translation of a popular novel, that of Stephenie Meyers’ Twilight.  This bold move caused quite a stir, and a number of book lovers (like yours truly) asked many questions, such as the following:  Will the translation be any good?  Will book readers accept the idea of translating popular novels?  What book(s) will be translated next?  Will it be (GASP!) Fifty Shades Of Gray?

Apparently, Precious Pages Corporation’s decision to make translations of popular novels available to the public has been a very good one.  Even though the Filipino translation of Twilight received mixed reviews, Precious Pages has soldiered on in its vision to give the reading public a wider variety of popular material in Filipino.  In the last few months, it has released the translations of other titles, such as Suzanne Collins’ The Hunger Games and Catching Fire (The translations are selling well, I guess). And just recently, it has released the long-awaited (or long-dreaded) Filipino translation of EL James’ Fifty Shades Of Gray. 

If you have read my book reviews of EL James’ Fifty Shades trilogy, it would be obvious that I’m not really a fan of this book series.  But since I am a new convert to reading Filipino translations, I got a copy of the Filipino translation of Fifty Shades and got ready to … what’s the right word … oh, yes.  Puke.   

Imagine my surprise when I finished reading the translation  without feeling any urge to run into the bathroom and vomit my guts out.  In fact, it took me a much shorter time to finish reading it (as opposed to its English original, which was almost an intolerable chore to read).  What do you know?  Believe it or not, the translation is actually better than the book.  Surprised?  Well, I am, considering how bad the source book is.

Thanks to the sensible and careful efforts of Precious Pages’ translation and editing team, the Filipino translation of Fifty Shades Of Gray is a much smoother and quicker read.  I was sooooo glad that the team minimized the number of times I had to read about the color of Christian Gray’s eyes, or the shape of Christian’s fingers, or Ana’s lip-biting, enticing ways.  I mean, hey, the book readers aren’t idiots (well, most of us aren’t).  You don’t need to tell us a hundred times that Christian’s eyes are gray before we realize that they ARE gray.   I mean, come on!

In the original book, Ana sounded like a British woman desperately trying to sound like a young American girl.  In the translation, Ana’s voice is very young and Pinay.  She also sounds more “normal” compared to the original Ana, whose capacity for vulgarity came in stages (it took her a huge dose of Christian Gray before her swearing progressed from “Holy crap” to “Holy fuck”).  In the translation, there are no such levels and distinctions, and we know exactly how Ana feels the moment she goes “Putang ina!”

Wow.  Ang lutong ng mura, parang chicharon!

This “direct approach” is also applied to the book’s abundant sex scenes.  Instead of using euphemisms for body parts or sexual terms (the kinds we read about in those seedy underground tabloid columns or magazines), the translating and editing team calls a spade a spade.  Walang preno.  Breasts are not mountains but suso, the clitoris is not a gem but tinggil, and so on and so forth.  I don’t know if that approach would raise the nausea factor for other book readers, but that approach worked well for me.  I probably would have rolled my eyes or snickered had I found any of the euphemisms being used in the translated version.

I also discovered something surprising about reading translations.  If you have read any of my previous posts, you would know that I am a recent convert to reading translations.  I just enjoy reading books in their original form and reading their translated versions.  So far, I have talked about the surprising things that happen when one reads a Filipino translation.  In my experience, a translation is easier to read.  It takes less time, the words are processed by the brain much quicker and much more smoothly, the details are more vivid.  I also experienced this while reading the translation of Fifty Shades, but what’s surprising is, I liked Christian Gray MORE when I read the translation.  He was a dangerous asshole in the original, but he morphed into an almost-normal guy with many issues when I read the Filipino version.  Ana, meanwhile, became younger, natural-sounding and more like your average Pinay … and believe it or not, the sex scenes became less gag-worthy and more acceptable.  Steamy, even.  I’m not kidding.

While I will never consider the English Fifty Shades trilogy as something I might want in my book collection, the Filipino Fifty Shades is a very sharp, accurate, readable and (dare I say this) enjoyable translation to read.  Much, much better than the original.

RATING:  4 1/2